I have a confession to make.

I watch The Real Housewives of ____________(fill in the blank ~ except leave out Miami)

I tried to stop, really I did, but then I wondered what was going on in their lives.  Were so and so still married? Did whats-her-face get that botched boob job fixed? Does whatchamadoodle really have a drinking problem and did she get help and what about her kids???

Ugh.

I never knew why it captivated me so.  Maybe it was the unattainable, plastic, hoity toity life that I wanted to see unfold ~ like watching bugs in a jar.

Rich, well dressed, pretty bugs.

Maybe I am just a voyeur.

Help. Me.

It wasn’t until I read The Hunger Games that I figured out the reason I am stuck on these shows.  It’s like a bad car crash that you can’t look away from, like the horror show you watch through your fingers, like The Hunger Games where the residents of the Capitol watch tributes kill each other because, even though they are real people, somehow they don’t feel a connection to them.

The same goes for Real Housewives. Even though they are real people with real lives, their lives are so much different than the average person and they are so outrageous that they don’t seem real and their bizarreness keeps me watching.

Anyway, The Real Housewives and The Hunger Games seem so similar to me that I thought it would be fun to host:

The Housewife Games

One tribute is chosen from each show and they are placed in a dome filled with replicas of famous places from each of their cities/states, but instead of killing each other, they take each other’s shoes, jewelry and other accessories.  The last one standing, wins.

The winner will receive:

• the loser’s complete wardrobe
• possession of their entire city or state, where they rule as queen for a year.
• all the plastic surgery their little bodies can take.

The losers must:

• move to a small house in a quiet suburbia neighborhood for a year.
• relinquish all nannies, chefs, hair & make-up artists, personal psychics and assistants.
• be forever banned from receiving any plastic surgery.

The Districts involved:

District 1: Orange County
District 2: New Jersey
District 3: New York
District 4: Atlanta
District 5: Beverly Hills

All candidate’s names were placed in a knock-off Gucci bag and drawn by me ~ the Game Master.  Tensions were high in the crowd and everyone held their breath while the names were chosen.

The Tributes:
District 1: Alexis Bellino
District 2: Teresa Giudice
District 3: Sonja Morgan Ramona Singer
District 4: Kenya Moore
District 5: Brandi Glanville

At first, there didn’t seem a chance that any volunteers would take the tribute’s places, but Ramona Singer from District 3, seeing that Sonja was aimlessly walking around in circles and lost on stage, rushed to her rescue and volunteered to take her place.

Then she asked: “Will there be wine?”

You should have checked before you volunteered, Ramona.

With the drawing done and the tributes chosen, we headed out of District 5 by train.  As we were leaving, some people say they heard Brandi shout, “I’m gonna f*#in’ kick all their rich, surgically lifted asses!”

What were the other girls doing?

Kenya was twirling around telling everyone she was fabulous.

Teresa was flipping tables with a smile on her face, but evil in her eyes.

Alexis was praying.

and

Ramona was scouring the train in a panic in search of Pinot Grigio.  “There has to be a stash somewhere!!”

They have been taken to a secret location where their mentors are waiting to prepare them for a fight to the social death. I don’t want to name names, but Joan Collins, Ivana Trump and 1 of the Gabor sisters have been rumored to be involved in the mentor program.

Next week, the games begin. I can only hope that the ladies are adequately prepared.

…and may the ability to shop be ever in their favor…

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**Please note that these games are a complete fabrication by me, the writer ~ I don’t wanna see this in the tabloids**