Image by Nigel Blackwell, WANA Commons Flickr

The tributes for The Housewife Games have been in some intense training the last two weeks with little rest.

“I’ve done all I can do”, said Joan Collins as she collapsed on the couch.

With nothing but the clothes on their backs and shopping bags in their hands, they were lowered into the dome by retracting escalators.  In the center of the dome was a pile of accessories and a wine bar to give the ladies a good start to their shopping.  Leading out from the center were replicas of 3 streets:

• 5th Avenue
• Avenue Montaigne
• Rodeo Drive

The ladies had a decision to make, get shopping or get a jump start and hit the center pile.

“Shop” yelled the Game Master and they were off.

The tributes had 20 seconds to make a decision on where to go before the ground opened up to swallow them whole.

Sensing a trick at the heap, spunky and street-smart housewives, Teresa and Brandi headed for the shopping avenues as Ramona headed straight for the wine bar screaming, “Pinot, Pinot, Pinot!” while pulling a well hidden wine glass from her bra.  Poor Kenya, finding a mirror, stroked the Miss USA banner draped over her chest and fell into a mental timewarp circa 1993.

Ramona reached the bar and began sucking down Pinot Grigio, bragging about how she is the best shopper there is and how she’s going to take this whole thing hands down.

We’ll see, Ramona, we’ll see.

Twenty seconds passed, a bell rang out and the ground began to open up, jolting Kenya from her trance.  She threw the mirror and leaped over to grab a Coach tote bag whose handles were snagged on a pair of Versace heels.

Hang on, Kenya!

Boom. A cannon shot into the air.  The tributes looked up to see a glamour shot of disqualified Alexis, who had broken the rules by bringing a cellphone to consult her husband on the best strategy.

Image from Real Housewives Wiki

Tune in next week to see if Kenya be able to pull herself to safety and to answer the question that everyone wants to know:

Will Ramona ever stop drinking and remember the games are about shopping?

What do you think? Will Ramona put down the Pinot?

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*This story is a complete fabrication of the writer’s imagination. No Real Housewives were harmed in the making of this fictional game.*